"Life is a series of pulls back and forth.
You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else.
Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't.
You take certain things for granted,
even when you know you should never take anything for granted."
"A tension of opposites.
And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
"Which side wins?"
"Love wins. Love always wins."
Reading these phrases somehow reminds me of the time when I was still wearing a mask. Trying hard to be somebody that I am not just to please people around me, to meet their expectations, to do things that they perceive ‘right’ for me, to be what they think everybody should be doing. At times, I would have to laugh at jokes I don’t think funny at all just because other people laugh. I would have to smile when they are making funny or cynical comments on people like me, yet deep inside my heart was hurt.
Had their expectations of me were the same as my own expectations, things would’ve been much easier. But this is life, it is not supposed to be easy.
I was so tired of doing what majority ‘herd’ do just as to be regarded as part of the group. There were moments when I wanted to cry out loud what was really inside my heart, what I really think and my idealism, yet I failed to do so because I was afraid to be rejected, afraid that I would hurt the people I love. In a way, I have let others dictated me how I should lead my life.
You can imagine how stressful life was back then: living in denials, leading a double-standard life, telling lies to people around you, and worse… to yourself. There were times when I tried hard to believe that what is good for others is also good for me. But my heart struggled and ached.
It’s like stepping on two boats at the same time. As time goes by, these two boats were drifting apart… further and further. If I didn’t want to get drowned, I had to decide quickly which boat I choose step on with my two feet: the crowded large and comfortable boat sailing along the river flow or the lonely small boat sailing against the river flow.
Most of the time, I would use my logic in making decisions. But this is about my life, so I followed my heart. I regarded living unhappy everyday is just as well as dying. Thus, instead of taking the major path our society has set, I walked my own path. I know that life will not be easy here and the end of the path is still unknown, but at least this is what I choose and most importantly I am happy doing it.
Taking off my mask now I see more clearly those who actually love me for who I really am, and those who used to love me for my mask.
Well, should I leave my trails for others to follow? I can’t promise anything beautiful at the end of my path. I personally still don’t know what’s lying ahead. But sometimes we worry too much on what is ‘in-the-end’, that we forget to enjoy the process of “getting-there”. So, I’ll just enjoy what’s ahead and already in front of me… Live for today, live for the present…
You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else.
Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't.
You take certain things for granted,
even when you know you should never take anything for granted."
"A tension of opposites.
And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
"Which side wins?"
"Love wins. Love always wins."
Reading these phrases somehow reminds me of the time when I was still wearing a mask. Trying hard to be somebody that I am not just to please people around me, to meet their expectations, to do things that they perceive ‘right’ for me, to be what they think everybody should be doing. At times, I would have to laugh at jokes I don’t think funny at all just because other people laugh. I would have to smile when they are making funny or cynical comments on people like me, yet deep inside my heart was hurt.
Had their expectations of me were the same as my own expectations, things would’ve been much easier. But this is life, it is not supposed to be easy.
I was so tired of doing what majority ‘herd’ do just as to be regarded as part of the group. There were moments when I wanted to cry out loud what was really inside my heart, what I really think and my idealism, yet I failed to do so because I was afraid to be rejected, afraid that I would hurt the people I love. In a way, I have let others dictated me how I should lead my life.
You can imagine how stressful life was back then: living in denials, leading a double-standard life, telling lies to people around you, and worse… to yourself. There were times when I tried hard to believe that what is good for others is also good for me. But my heart struggled and ached.
It’s like stepping on two boats at the same time. As time goes by, these two boats were drifting apart… further and further. If I didn’t want to get drowned, I had to decide quickly which boat I choose step on with my two feet: the crowded large and comfortable boat sailing along the river flow or the lonely small boat sailing against the river flow.
Most of the time, I would use my logic in making decisions. But this is about my life, so I followed my heart. I regarded living unhappy everyday is just as well as dying. Thus, instead of taking the major path our society has set, I walked my own path. I know that life will not be easy here and the end of the path is still unknown, but at least this is what I choose and most importantly I am happy doing it.
Taking off my mask now I see more clearly those who actually love me for who I really am, and those who used to love me for my mask.
Well, should I leave my trails for others to follow? I can’t promise anything beautiful at the end of my path. I personally still don’t know what’s lying ahead. But sometimes we worry too much on what is ‘in-the-end’, that we forget to enjoy the process of “getting-there”. So, I’ll just enjoy what’s ahead and already in front of me… Live for today, live for the present…
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