Truth and loneliness kill!

Truth hurts, no, mutilates, no , tortures, no, kills u inside see.
As long as you stay away from it, shielded from it, you live in a happy world, sometimes in a masked world, but still, there won't be many things that can affect you.
To see truth as it is, requires a lot of courage , will power and above all a lot of mental strength.

To face it, and like to protect your eyes from a focused strong beam of light, you will need a strong mind to still be the same person. You will understand things you never thought of, You will see everything in a new light. Above all, you will understand yourself. You will get to know that you are one useless minor particle, getting along with the flow, and may be, you have adapted yourself to be happy enough.
Be silent and you will assimilate many things, which otherwise you have not even imagined. I have understood.

I was never judgemental, No I always hated to be. I always thought objectivity is the core of all human philosophy.
Its not that I feel lonely and I need an object to love and express my affections to. No its not even remotely the feeling. When I take a frank panorama of my whole life till now, It makes me loathe myself to the highest degree. I can forget people easily. I can forget what they have said, what they felt and I can be detached.
Yeh, the problem is that, I have got used to living life my own way. It is just an understanding, as I have said, A ray of truth, I know, more is yet to come. And I dont really think I have the stamina to face it.
Neverthless, I want to face it. Face it by its face and still survive. Face it and really know myself.
I know this is just the begining /starting of it, But I really cant help.
I feel weak and so lifeless, Or may be I have no strength to accept things as they are, and still
manage to get on well. Yes I dont think I really have. I am not as strong and capable as I usually think I am.
I dont want to think of these tormenting thoughts. I want to feel free. I want to go back to my childhood, where everything atleast looked beautiful and I was genuine. I feel my head blowing , this is pain I guess.
But experience is something which you dont have when you have known it, and comes to you in abundant quantities when all the damage has been done.
Sometimes all i feel like saying or doing is "to hell with life"! but i know i can't afford to say or do that at this point!

And, frankly, I am becoming more and more of a emotionless rock day by day. I somehow dont feel happy and sad much, After all, what are all these emotions for? I dont really believe anymore that that there can be true feelings, true friendship and such, huh!!
And yeah I can forget people easily. [or maybe i think i can!]

Hey, If there was a chance to turn back time, I would surely go back, and do it all different. And yes, Am i so ruthless as some people make me sound to be?
May be I am. I have no more sensitivity towards anyone. {can one realy blame me though after all thats happened to me till date!?}
Well, not even towards myself I guess.