I tend to protect my private thoughts.. i cant bring myself to believe in the thoughts n contents on blogs.. they serve to convey the image and impression that the blogger wants others to have of them.. their means of defending themselves n their characters at times.. or simply to convince themselves of who they are (or possibly, who they hope they are!)
Tonight is one of the few nights i'm too exhausted from thinking too much that i feel blank.I don't have any compelling thoughts that ought to be let out, neither am i exactly keen on typing.
I just felt like doing it. . and i thought, since i have the thought, i'll just do it. this mentality has been the drive behind many of my actions. impulsive it seems.. i guess there is no right and wrong in being impulsive.I just want to follow my heart; though i have to admit this attitude has brought me much trouble.. jeopardized my life, kind of,...or perhaps i'm changing... ....yeah, that's what i told two friends recently. I think i'm changing. Personality change, for better or for worse, that doesn't matter. I have to accept myself for who i am. I cannot pinpoint how i'm changing. I normally notice this after a long while in my new skin.
My personality had undergone one major change two years ago. maybe it wasn't changed, just let out. and boy the difference is great! People would have thought it was two different persons. people whom i used to talk to very well get startled by the "new" thoughts i express; they are not exactly new, i just feel more confident that i'm entitled to think the way i do and therefore voice my opinions more directly and convincingly. I'm glad for that though. Being let out of a prison, out of the control of another person. I feel like i'm no longer weak. it had always been quiet rebellions, silent spites. Now, it's full fledged. i-am-myself-n-no-one-can-deny-me-my-right-to-be-myself kinda attitude.Life was meaningless two years ago. i prayed for death every night. No, im not someone with a life one would conventionally call deviant, i lead a normal life, i can't say it's simple and like any other person's, for i know i do attract quite a bit of attention wherever i go,but nobody would expect the kind of thoughts i have from me. My mannerisms are just too different from how i really am. I don't think i'm putting up a facade though. because i feel at ease with the way i carry myself, and i feel totally myself. I think i have two extreme personalities within me.The psychological test i recently took proved it. I guess people can't reconcile the thoughts i have, judging from how i am around them, i don't hide anything. I stopped saying anything that's not truthful since years ago. ask me anything, i'll tell u truthfully how i feel. well, i guess people just don't bother. when guys tell me they like me, i admit to thinking sarcastically 'do you even know how i really am like? if you don't, how can you say u like me?' at times, i'm fed up, as to why they do not bother to look deeper for the someone else also in me. yet, i also feel i'm being unreasonable, demanding people to know this private, intense and serious side of me (which is how i am throughout my waking hours every single day), when all i present is a happy go lucky, easy going, couldn't care less attitude. Whatever... i'm way passed the period when i feel irritated by issues concerning this. i've movedon.....I have a new relationship with myself now and the one person who is responsible to have brought about this change in me in the first place...my beloved Guruji! Which and whome you will be hearing about alot in the next few blogs to come im sure! Infact this relationship, now, has been my focus for the past few months. Suddenly everything else becomes secondary. I have also started going out more often, [thanks to the new Aol courses i have been busy with, and making new friends for myself](is this unhealthy? when i am not a single woman supposed to be the scarifical goat ,and dedicate your entire life to yr house and family, in my part of the world at least! I think it's supposed to be; but who cares? I believe that whateer you do...you should do and give it your 100% whatever it is...studies, or relationships for that matter! In the beginning i was skeptical, insecure, uncertain, scared (cowardy-scared of giving too much of myself away again. i've learnt it the hard way in my prev relationships.. i shant say more. i'm tired of talking about the past. finally, i think). I know i was pretty heartless and had deliberately detached all my emotions, from everyone not so long ago now! I didn't want to deal with anything or anyone ever again! Then,i met some ppl who got me introduced to this new course, and the wonderful teachers who teach you [in it] i felt i should give myself a chance again ....i don't want to shortchange myself, my life either, and i gave it a shot. Even after i started, i created loads of problems for him..[guruji, my friends,] asking them to breakup or giveup on me, etc etc pulling out when i anticipate problems to arise out of our differences. But increasingly, we all understand and know more about each other, now i think... i don't think we grow to develop similarities, more of a coincidence, we increasingly realise how similar we all are in thinking! Of course the general differences still exist.. i cant do anything about that, but i guess i'm beginning to accept them as they are; i'm beginnign to feel things can work out despite everything. But i've moved forward.. i'm growing old i think.i enjoy this quiet bliss that arise's out of deep intense connection at every level.. I'm tired of rollar coasters. so much for a night where i just feel like being quiet! I ought to stop feeling one thing and acting another unconsciously. Then again, it may just be in me.....
No comments:
Post a Comment