DEPRESSED!

I miss the company of a certain someone in my life, who still means alot to me, and whome i care the world for !
All of a sudden one day i realize that the amout of talks, and sharing we were doing with each other, and the friendship we shared etc was becomming less and less, and over a period of time, due to whatever reason the person slowly and gradually starting fading away, distancing themselves from me, trying to cutoff all means of communication; now so much so that...not even a line to say "how are u doing" or whatsup? "or even hello, i am fine" etc etc!!!
Life plays strange games at times, and you cant help but wonder....in this....artificial, superfical, madeup world, of made up people, who mask all their emotions or should i rather say try to hide them!.....that is...IS ANYTHING ever for REAL!!!?????
I can't help but pity myself...sometimes; there is no such thing as true honesty , true friendships these days; whether it be virtual or in reality for that matter!
Everybody is out to get what they want,satisfy oneself......beyond that....there is nothing! Absolutely nothing at all!
Sometimes i wish for once in my life...i found a true wellwisher, who cared for me, meant well for me always....and doesnt necessarily mean in a romantic kind of a way either! I have struggled with painful relationships all throughout my life, which still haunt me sometimes ...till this day! But some how.....i thought my friend.....cared just a little...for me...you know...little in enough to check once in a while........specially after knowing i have been dignosed as being clinically depressed....just very recently, meaning not too long ago...
Infact after that very knowledge i started noticing ....all the distancing and the withdrawls.....
Ha! so much for ...frienship huh...???? So much for the moral support....once in a while!???
People think and complain i am lost in my own world, my own problems and miseries all the time.........but seriously can you blame me!? For all the hurt and dissapointment, disillusionment i feel .....almost all the time?
Even so; i can never be too busy with myself , my world to not care for a person i love and call a friend! If my friend was suffering.....due to any illness, or going through whatever ups and downs...due to whatever reasons....i would try to make sure...i gave a little bit of my time to him/her!
How can one just leave you...desert you ....just one fine day....just like that,at the drop of a hat, is beyond comprihension to me!? I am not able to take that in well, and face it well enough, infact i am struggling to come to terms with the whole thing; everyday!
I miss my friend so much.....it really really hurts, not just emotionally but physically aswell! And cannot help but wonder if i ever flash across my friends...thoughts...mind......ever? Even for a second maybe!?

. It's horrible, horrible deja vu all over again. Email was one of the final ways we arranged to meet up and hang out, or catch up on life. After almost 3 years, my friend just chose to ignore me, block me, have nothing to do with me ever!
I'm so numb and shut down right now because I can't even begin to process this turn of events with everything else that is going on in my life. This is really helping my distrust of men and my pre-existing issues with abandonment. It's like they can all see something that I can't.

Irreparably Broken?
"Broken Humpty Dumpty", 1990, Tom OtternessHumpty Dumpty sat on a wall.Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.All the king's horses and all the kings menCouldn't put Humpty together again.I’m really not sure what to think anymore. After doing some research online I’ve come to the conclusion that I most likely have comorbid depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. I had never seriously considered PTSD prior to looking up the symptoms but it makes sense since my condition has become worse after A. triggered feelings of re-victimization and my levels of anxiety and panic are the highest I have ever experienced in my life. I’m only 33years old and yet I feel so broken I don’t even know where to start to put myself back together.
I cycle through periods of intense anger at the individuals who affected my life so much and depression for not being able to find retribution or put it behind me. I think about it all the time and I’m constantly on edge. Sleep doesn’t even provide a respite from the agitation as nightmares and an inability to reach a deep sleep ruin even that.
What bothers me the most is my loss of trust not only in other people, but especially with men. and wonder if at all i will be able to gain anybody's trust or faith ever again! I feel like poor Humpty these days and wonder if I’ll have greater success than he did at putting the pieces back together.

Post-Traumatic Stress DisorderPost-
traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) An anxiety disorder based on how an individual responds to a traumatic event. According to DSM-IV, the following criteria must be met:
• The person has experienced a traumatic event that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others, and the person's response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror
• The traumatic event is re-experienced in specific ways such as recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections or dreams of the event
• Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma or numbing of general responsiveness
• Persistent symptoms of increased arousal, such as hypervigilance or irritability
• Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than one month
• The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in functioning.PTSD may be acute, chronic, or with delayed onset. Many individuals with DID (MPD) also have PTSD. The literature sometimes describes DID(MPD) as complex and/or chronic PTSD.

During my visits to the doctor...there were many counselling and therapy sessions, which took place and also many examinations which made me doubt everything I knew about myself. What I wasn’t expecting when I scheduled the tests was the “counseling” from my Doctor prior to the exam. He said that these tests were usually precipitated by some event. While I understand the reasoning behind a series of questions that just embarrassed me and made me so upset I ended up in tears, it didn’t make me feel any less uneasy now.
After offering some feeble, “men can be such assholes”, sentiment and after I started crying over it he launched into his detailed list of personal questions-
I was still obviously upset over the whole experience and he asked if there was anything he could do for me. It wasn’t necessarily what he said, but how he said it, accompanied by that look of mixed pity and concern for an obviously distressed young woman, that delivered a punch to my stomach. It’s a look I had seen before three years prior when filling out one of my very early prescriptions for antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications pharmacist
And then he gave me that look and asked with genuine concern how I was doing. I had never had a stranger express that kind of compassion towards me and it left me feeling confused and grateful. Sure he knew my father...but what the hell!? I’m sure if I hadn’t been so young, suffering with these depressive symtoms and so obviously in anguish that the interaction would never have happened!
The end result was that I asked to be put back on antidepressants. While I’m hopeful that this will be enough to ease me back to normalcy, I’m also resigned to the fact that I am unable to cope on my own. My only consolation is that the drung i am on this time has fewer negative side effects and if it works and I can find some small slice of happiness again then it will have all been worthwhile.I just hurt and it won’t stop.

Remembering the Way We Were
The jokes, laughs we shared, his getting angry and irritated over something i said or did perhaps, my constant pestering him with my smss' and messeages,and in depth conversations. Remembering this incident made me smile today. I was so [to some extent still am!]crazy about him,and i didn’t care about anyone else. I can remember the passion i shared for him back then. I’ve never loved someone as much as I loved him[or love him!]
Now the memories of the good times, while they make me smile, are bittersweet. I miss the innocence I had, the complete trust and openness with another human being. I wasn’t jaded with men and overly suspicious or cautious. I wish I could be that person again, but something tells me it’s going to take quite some time and an extraordinary man to coax that out of me again.

Catharsis, Confusion and a Conclusion
Having supportive friends, and more importantly girlfriends, during a time of emotional turmoil and heartbreak are key. After multiple retellings of the sordid story between A. and myself to various girlfriends I was able to find some peace in the situation. Although there will never be any formal closure between the two of us, I was feeling better after having my feelings acknowledge as rational and some affirmation that his behaviour was not only all-round disappointing but also harsh and disrespectful. I found that being able to discuss it over with girlfriends, [on the net mind you!] proved to be a rather cathartic exercise..
When Mr. Intellectual and I parted ways , I was all alone to wander through the experience. I’m typically a painfully private individual and what I felt cut too deep to put into words, let alone talk about with my girlfriends. At the time we weren’t especially close and my state of depression had further isolated me from them.
It has only been in the last two months or so that I have really reconnected with them and made a concerted effort to enrich the relationships I have with the women in my life.Just when I thought I had found some peace and recovered from the anxiety and turmoil A.’s behaviour had caused in my life, I was served up with another shock. He stopped sending even one liner mails also! This was like a punch in the gut and I was breathless and confused again, as to how he could dissapear on me like that.
It left me reeling and wondering just what I knew about this man i called my BEST FRIEND!? I felt like I knew absolutely nothing about him and I couldn’t believe a word he had said to me. All that peace I had found from the confusion was thrown into question and I am back to square one.
I draw some small comfort from the fact that really, this isn’t my issue- it is his. I can’t control peoples actions or reactions towards me, I can only choose how I respond. After a week of anxiety and contemplation over these baffling events, I’ve come to the conclusion that although it hurts, he’s done me a favour in the long run. . I've come to the conclusion that EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE,YOU DON'T!!!!