Has anyone ever felt themselves change about 10/20 times...during one day!?
Call it mood swings or whatever...but it sucks u know!
Never know what to expect, from yourself or out of your day...
One minitue your okay...and then sometime later...u breakdown crying!
Frustrated or irritable to start with, and then the next thing you know your laughing it all off like some crazy person! Try and pull yr socks together...and pretend so hard, that u actually start living...with the positive energy...
But then how long can one go on pretending, putting up a fake smile, false exteerier when....things are far from perfect on the inside! ?
This is how i am feeling right now, this very minitue as i write...........
Actually not sure exactly what im feeling....
Contemplative.....yeah ...thats it...thats the mood. Still...cannot put a finger on what is it thats exactly bothering me, or in my thoughts?
There is a feeling of uneasyness about this moment.......a restlessness, a very very strange...hard to describe and put into words kind of a feeling, and atmosphere.
What is it? Am i searching for something? Someone?
Am i on the road to self discovery of somekind then?
IS fullfilment i am looking for in my life? Happiness?
Hope perhaps...for things to improve....? hope that some day...one day...i will find...what im looking for, and then my search will be over. ?
IS it love? IS it respect that im looking for? self respect maybe....?
Some dignity too?
IS it power? Am i looking for power to be able to have not only contol of myself and my situation or..power over someone else.....so as to...make the other one feel powerless!?
Am i looking for contenment?
Or am i looking for...just a normal way of living my life...? is it normality im looking for? craving for? Am i tired of being.....different than the others then? is that what it is...? Am i afraid...that i am Ab normal?
Do i just want to get out of...my 'insanity', my craziness, my essentricities, my obsessions, all my 'disorders' so to speak, wheather emotional,behavioural or mental!!??
Or is it trust/ faith i am looking for? To be able to tell or relate everything to someone...yet...still be hoping they would stay by your side...and love you, support you...uncondetionally.
OR IS IT ALL OF THE ABOVE!???
Or am i just waiting for the time to pass...? Am i just waiting for the inevitable ,ultimate truth.....meaning...DEATH?
Am i just waiting to be perished..?
Or am i waiting for my saviour.......to come and save me, redeem me?What is it that my eyes search, my breath soflty whispers,
my soul....searches for?
IS it comfort???
OHH when will i feel....normal again! when will i stop waiting...when will the longing...be over? When will my search end..if ever!? When will i stop...feeling the way im feeling....!
When will this quiziness dissapear? When will i be able to relax in peace finally?
WHEN WILL I EVER BREATH A SIGH OF RELIEF???
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